We moult like animals do

I recently came across a video of a spider in the process of moulting (shedding its old skin), and it was interesting, but it made my skin crawl (no pun intended). I couldn’t bring myself to finish the video. The uncomfortability I felt was not only a physical discomfort but metaphorical as well.

Us humans have this weird, transformative stage of our lives where we shed. It could be our bad habits, unhealthy relationships, toxic environments, or who we once were. We usually come out better or learn new lessons, but during the process, we feel lost. Think of it as cutting your hair off and being in an awkward stage or starting locs and going through the stage of budding.

I’m in this stage, and I’ve gone through it many times! For example, when I was 12, I was figuring out my sexuality. During that stage, I had to deconstruct everything, like my religion. It caused me to have an existential crisis, which I didn’t realise at that time, and I kept thinking of the ‘what ifs’ for the afterlife. I even was in denial about being queer, and I felt lost as a person. But coming out of this stage led me to know who I am as a person. So I thought. Until the next shedding stage came.

When I was 15-17, I started to have an identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was outside of masking, and that mask started to slip, revealing my innermost darkest fears. I would often feel shame and embarrassment a lot. This caused me to want to change and to become more confident. But instead, I began to hate myself, outside and inside. And then I felt stuck once again, in limbo, hating what I was, who I was, but also wanting to progress in my life. This even led me to become hyposexual(the opposite of hypersexual) which caused me to be very closed off and not want to explore myself.

Now, here I am again, shedding layers once more. I've come to terms with the bad habits I've collected over the years and recently received a diagnosis of autism alongside my OCD. The autism diagnosis struck me, especially since I’d long suspected I had OCD, only to be dismissed by those around me. My experiences, including going non-verbal, were real, even if others doubted them. Now, at 21, I find myself wrestling with countless questions: Am I living for myself or merely to please others? Do my interests truly belong to me? Do I even like who I am?

I’m grateful for this chrysalis phase because if I didn’t go through it once again, I’d still be my 12 year old self who was scared of every single thing, paralysed with uncertainty.

Just remember you are just like the spider that moults or the caterpillar that goes through the chrysalis process, and just remember to not speed it up and just feel.

Art by @chidinma.nnoli