Limerence and the imaginary dream world
What is limerence, you ask? The Google definition is: “Limerence is a state of mind resulting from romantic feelings for another person. It typically involves intrusive and melancholic thoughts or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection, along with a desire for the reciprocation of one's feelings and to form a relationship with the object of love.” Yes, it’s quite a wordy definition, and that reflects how it feels. Dragging, long, soul-sucking, and time-consuming; the list goes on.
I believe that limerence isn’t seriously discussed. It’s often disguised with memes or jokes, but it’s honestly not funny at all. I remember my younger self discovering my queer identity and feeling overwhelmed when I didn’t get a text back. It was like I was in a dream world, creating an ideal version of a person who was, in reality, quite the opposite. Limerence is all about the "what-ifs." You start to lose yourself and question your life, wondering why you feel like you’re on the verge of ending it all just because someone didn’t live up to the idea you had of them. I used to think, "Am I the only one in the world going through this?" The answer is no. Many people experience it but just act like they don’t.
I know that I didn’t tell anyone about what I was going through; I was in denial. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; it’s just something you need to work through. When I was younger, I got through it, and now I have a healthier view of relationships. My limerence was triggered by the push-and-pull effect, and I had to realise that this couldn’t keep happening repeatedly. One day, I just snapped and asked myself, “Why do I keep going through this?”
It wasn’t happening in relationships; it was happening in situationships and eventhough I don’t like that word, I guess it’s the phrase I would use for now. The core reason I was experiencing limerence was that I didn’t have a healthy support system, and on top of that, I didn’t know at the time I was neurodivergent. I realised that, while anyone can experience limerence, neurodivergent individuals are often more likely to go through it. This understanding helped me stop being in denial. I recognised that my intensity stemmed from having an emotionally unavailable family.
I looked outward for support instead of inward and came to realise that everything I need is within me. No one can save me, only I can save myself. I created a boat analogy to explain my journey: “I can put myself in the boat and start my journey, but a healthy support system is like the wind in my sails or the steady current beneath me, it helps keep me moving forward when the waters get rough.”
Ultimately, no one is going to start the journey of bettering yourself except for you, but a healthy support system can help you through it. Don’t be ashamed of limerence. Instead, figure out its root cause before the essence of your true self withers because, once it does, you’ll have to water yourself all over again to grow.