Learned helplessness - a black, queer perspective
I didn’t know what this meant. Or to correct myself, I didn’t want to know what this meant. I sat in my dark room for days on end thinking, why am I suffering just for being black, queer, working class, neurodivergent and suffer with physical pain everyday? I allowed myself for too long to let external berating seep into every crevice of my soul. I internalised it all.
This has caused me so much harm. I’m not speaking from a place of being recovered from it, but instead I’m speaking from a place of trying to recover from it. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wanting to be a victim of every situation, startled at the fact that someone gave you constructive criticism. All I had to do is differentiate unkindness from someone who actually cares. This has heavily impacted others and most of all, it has impacted myself. Vulnerability is strength. But complaining to someone about your trauma expecting them to save you is a weakness. I now realise that autonomy does in fact exist. And that means being intentional with how I live.
After accepting that I have learned helplessness, I realise now that I have to step into my power. I remember years ago when I was going for a college interview, the interviewer told me, “I really like you, but you lack confidence; you have so much potential,” and I think this finally sunk in today. No one talks about learned helplessness from a perspective of still going through it, and I want to be the one to say it. I’m not a victim of my past. I’m an example of what happens when you still try. Yes, I’ve gone through immense trauma. But I still have autonomy today. And I’m so grateful as many people can’t escape what they’re going through.
I’m more optimistic now and realised that my autonomy came from building a community where I don’t feel like every time I speak, I have to hold my breath and hope they don’t attack me. No more survival mode, but instead intentional living. This isn’t a pity story. This is me being living proof that as long as you have autonomy, things can change and I deserve happiness.
