Grief without a grave
I remember my sister telling me that she makes a funeral for people in her head who she knows she doesn’t want in her life anymore. I used to think that was harsh, but now I understand what she’s saying. Grieving someone while they’re alive is one of the hardest things to do.
It’s like an acceptance of all the memories you’ve shared with that person slowly fading away, or like fresh fruit that gradually goes mouldy as the days pass. Yes, the fruit is still there, but it’s not the same. You can’t always think of the good times because they’re no longer in your life. And no, this isn’t just about romantic relationships; it’s about platonic, familial, or even grieving yourself.
But at the same time, this grieving is necessary. For new things to grow, there needs to be space for what is no longer needed. Sadly, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. The reason I’m writing this post is because I’m grieving my relationship with my siblings. When I was younger, I looked up to them. I always thought highly of them. It might sound cringe, but it was us against everyone else, specifically our parents. However, our parents were mainly responsible for the rotting of our relationship at its very core. I know that sounds grotesque, but that’s the only way I can explain it. It is grotesque because how can blood treat you so badly? But I’ve come to terms with it now.
It may sound cold, but family means nothing when they use you, shame you, or want you to fear them. That’s no longer family, it’s a threat. Not only a physical threat but a threat to your mind. I thought I could keep masking and allow my siblings to treat me poorly, but then I realised they wouldn’t even treat their friends or other family members like this. It was only me, and that hurts.
So, I am grieving them. I am grieving what we could have been like if our parents hadn’t been abusive. But what they’ve done is unforgivable, and I will no longer be captive to them. I will no longer accept the idea that I shouldn’t stand up for myself just because I am the youngest. I’ll admit, it does hurt, and while grief is often discussed, no one talks about the guilt you feel after doing so. No one talks about the times you might think it wasn’t that bad and you want to reach out to the person you’re grieving. But you know you can’t because that would be like opening a can of worms.
To everyone grieving what once was, whether it’s a romantic, platonic, or familial relationship, just remember, as things die, other things grow in their place. Like you. You will get through this grieving process. It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. And it’s also okay to remember the good times; that doesn’t mean you should lose yourself in the process and return to toxic people.
Art by @faithudoh_art
