Existential dread
I go to sleep excited. Yet I wake up scared. Death has been a distant relationship for me. I sometimes think do humans remember they are mortal or is it just me ruminating death all the time? By the way, I have OCD and Autism. That explains some of it. I sometimes think what’s the point of life if we are all going to die. I also think I’m completely scared of what’s to come.
Death has been packaged as this thing that’s painful to others. But what about the people in the position of it?
I remembered when my auntie died and there was an open casket. Whilst others were visibly upset and falling to the ground. I was scared. I couldn’t even go up to the coffin. I sat in my seat. Until I saw a glimpse of her face and I had this shock over my body. This was not the woman I saw months before. She was happy always smiling and helping me pick plums out of her plum tree in her garden. My memories of her was shadowed by the face I saw in the coffin. I thought to myself Jesus Christ.
After the funeral was done everyone went back to “normal”. Drinks and food was being passed around, music was playing and some people were even dancing. Meanwhile I sat in the corner terrified of what’s to come in the afterlife. I dont blame those people though. All of the entertainment made them forget about the horror that we saw. I love my auntie so much. I sometimes think of her as an angel or an ancestral being smiling and being happy somewhere in the afterlife. But I can’t help to think if that’s just a coping mechanism.
Years later due to my OCD I had an immense fear of death. I would tell my therapist and she would gloss over the subject as if she was scared aswell. When I was depressed and Christian I wasn’t scared of death which makes sense. But now I’m spiritual and learning towards athiesm sometimes I fear it. Not because of heaven or hell but because of nothingness. I spend my morning touching my arm looking in the mirror trying to perceive myself and stay present within my body. To treasure what I have now.
I just think to myself do I ignore my existential crisis or do I take it on and actually explore it. I guess it’s a beautiful but yet dark and twisted thing that we are brought onto this planet somehow. But we have no clue what comes next. I guess I will eventually figure out what I need to do on Earth, whilst I’m here.
