Don't write that note
Big massive TW:suicidal ideation
Ever since I’ve been unemployed I’ve been looking back at my life. Throughout my life I’ve always felt down, if I wasn’t down and I was actually happy I was punished for it. I’m not talking about physical punishment but with words. I was told “calm down” or “ are you ok” for expressing excitement. My mother told me when I was a child I was on the verge of dying as I had pneumonia. This always made me think…was I given a second chance to live?by whom? I’m not religious.
Before I turned 14 I wouldn’t say I was a happy child. I was actually described as an anxious one. My mother’s doctor said this. I hated the way I looked and I sounded. My height. My brain. I hated everything about myself. What’s crazy is it was because of social media as to why I felt this way. It was because of my family. It was because of people at school. My own friends. When I turned 14 it consumed me. The hatefulness of others swallowed me whole and spat me out like I was some piece of gum flavourless and hard. I then decided to write a note to my loved ones. But I struggled on what to say as I didn’t feel loved by anyone. So I didn’t write the note. Instead I decided to take action. I remember I walked down stairs into my kitchen and tried to end my life right there. But something stopped me. I didn’t want to be in pain. From that moment I realised I am able to feel and things are very real. And for just that one second I felt something.
Fast forward to four years later I went through the same issue. But instead I was 18 and in University. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I sat in my room crying for hours. Enraged, tired, fatigued. An overall mess. I picked up my phone went on notes again and started to write the note again. This time I accomplished actually write something. This is what it said:
I’ve always been in the tight rope of suicidal ideation and distraction. I distract myself soo much that all the other thoughts are quietened. And for just that one moment I feel free.
Now fast word 3 years later and I’m about to turn 22. I still feel the same feelings again. I still suffer from suicidal ideation. This article isn’t a post of hope nor is it meant to be discouraging. I just wanted to say that eventhough I still feel this way the one thing that has changed is that I’m not writing a note. I’m not planning on taking any actions. I’m fine with having these thoughts. Because as long as I made me past 14 that’s enough for me.
My younger self didn’t think I would make it. And I did. I may be depressed and drained and sick and tired. But I’m still here. And my younger self would’ve wanted that. No matter how many times I said I wouldn’t.
